I'm Inga, from Sveeden, ya?!

2:00am(ish) and you know what that means - yep, up n' bloggin' away. Sleep? Can't do that. Why, you ask (or don't ask, yet for literary purposes I have taken the liberty to do so on your behalf, and speaking of literaryness - oh that'll be a word soon - ever read instructions on a ketchup bottle that's not Heinz??) well, because I've got an IKEA mattress. Y'see, I was fortunate enough to have had a small fortune spent on my goregous bedroom set - and it's served me well, however, it appears as though the proverbial "buck" stopped just short of a fuckin' comfortable/supportive mattress!!

So, what's a Canuck to do? Go to the Swedish Meatball Emporium that has so skillfully managed to induce a trance-like spell over the female populous, and get me a fuukkin' maatress!! Smorgesbourg (how the fuck do you spell that at 2am eh?!) to end all Shmoregsborgs (went with an alternate sp. on purpose - still no clue at 2am and too lazy to Websterize it - so too shall that be a word soon my pretty!) we go up to IKEA and lo and behold thar she blow - the mattress.

Oh Swedish consortium of plastic screws n' wooden bench like furniture that looks as though the Amish are getting stoned while workin', will your wonders ne'er cease?

They can cram a fuukin' lightbulb that's square-shaped into a socket that's round-holed but they can't make a bloody mattress properly? At present (and there's been confirmation on this one) I've got a sink-hole in the middle of the bloody thing so I'm hammocked into my own frame. Worse still, I've flipped it and flopped it, twisted and turned it and its still shite.

"Hey Ellie, why don't ya shuddup n' get a new mattress already" you say (and if you did say it like that, what's with the Yosemite Sam thing ya got goin' on??!!), well I would 'cept my penchant for the somewhat extravagant yet equally comfy mattresses has found me in search of....

THE BELLAGIO BED!

So, what prey tell is this "bellagio bed" I speak of?? Well, to be honest if you've ever stayed at the Bellagio in Las Vegas - they're beds are absolutely, 100% without a doubt the bestest, softest, yet equally firmest, lushest, relaxingest mattress I've ever had the priviledge and pleasure to rest my body (no doubt forever altered due to the shape of all things Swedish) EVER!!!

Problem is - Bellagio bed mattress runs for around $2500CDN. Steep, n'est pas?

So, I guess the only logical thing to do is to start a fundraiser. That's right, for a mere $100-potentially-tax-deductible-donation, you can help a sleepless student find his stride (plus the lady'll love it too - see, that's another problem, we're having mattress compatibility issues, but that's another blog altogether) not to mention a few zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

While I recognize that this is the 2nd blatant time that I've hit you, the reader up fo' some papah, it's for a good cause. Better sleep = better blogging (and other important stuff too, in case mom n' dad are reading this one)!!

And to the bastooords at IKEA - your self-assembly-no-english-words-nor-any-known-text-or-font-both-modern-and-ancient-alike-instruction-manual-$0.99-swedish-buffet-breakfast-toting-deal-sucking-fake-plant-odds-n'-ends-crap-on-sale-plastic-spatula-reinventing-shite-art-500sq.ft-model-home-with-inadequate-spacing-useless-fake-tv-floor-model-maze-winding-vomit-inducing-bland-white-paint-student-budget-newlywed-target-market-weird-pet-names-to-all-your-furniture-overcharging-for-delivery-never-able-to-find-a-sales-associate-that-isn't-being-stalked-by-293-customers-at-the-same-time-furniture-puncturing-resistence-test-glass-encased-displaying days are definetly hereby put on notice.

By the way, did you see the new catalogue - interesting stuff...damn, its like a disease!!